Darling You Can Only Control Your Reaction
Susanne’s mother frequently told her, “Darling, you can only control your reaction.”
When her sister would pick fights with taunting words or when she was nervous before a big test, her mother would remind and reassure with this sentiment. At times, this familiar response did not seem helpful. I know I can control myself, but I want to control OTHER things, she’d think.
Frustrating as such a response can be to hear, I am pretty sure that Susanne’s mother is correct. Every single day, I am reminded that I can control no one else but myself. Yes, as a leader, I can influence, persuade, cajole, restrict and even prohibit others, but I cannot control anything or anyone other than myself. In my industry, there is a tendency to believe that, with the right training and enough money, you can prevent problems.
You, however, cannot make sure that your colleague places the report on your boss’s desk, and you cannot select the words that a client uses in a telephone conversation. On certain days, after the printer breaks, your partner goes home sick and your phone deletes its contacts, it’s easy to feel like there is little in your life that you can control. From coworkers’ personal habits to current weather patterns, your life is heavily influenced by things outside of your control.
In any situation, you can only control how you react. You can choose to be encouraging, and you can choose to hold fellow workers to a high standard. You can administer undeserved forgiveness, and you can remedy the issue with extra effort. What a great responsibility it is! To chose to speak thoughtfully! To decide to put forth the effort to be exceptional! To select the action most appropriate!
So tomorrow when you feel your blood boiling and sharp words float to your lips, I encourage you to take a deep breath. Use a moment to pause and then respond. Because after all, darling, you can only control your reaction.
Valerie
Mindfulness and Manners
“Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, not matter what fork you use.” – Emily Post
‘Tis the season for the gift exchanges and company Christmas parties. Amid all the excitement, this time can be filled with nervousness about MANNERS. Should I say “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays?” How much is appropriate to spend on her gift? What should serve for drinks at my party? Can I use this utensil with this dish?
I spend some time in my line of work helping people answer these questions. Etiquette can feel like a minefield, and I try to help navigate through it!
Today I wanted to encourage you, though, with this quote from Emily Post, the famous writer about etiquette. If Emily Post says that manners is more about care for others than utensil usage, then maybe you can relax a little bit this year.
So this season, go with your gut. Be considerate and kind, but don’t be nervous. And if you’re thinking about others, then probably they won’t be thinking about what fork you pick up.
Valerie
Professional Presence In Front of the Camera – How to Get a Great Headshot
Men:
- No checks/stripes
- Be sure there is a dimple in your four in hand knot
- French Blue shirt or off white under jacket
- Zero tie space collar if wearing a tie– meaning there is no space at the top of the collar at the neck
- Sport coat – solid is best. Navy and grey good jacket colors
- Hair – groomed
- Facial hair – groomed
- Put thought into the photo shoot….plan…bring extra jacket…etc.
- Get plenty of sleep. The camera doesn’t lie….emotion, bad news can show. Try exercising ahead, think of things that make you relax or laugh, or remind you of a positive experience.
- Develop rapport with photographer….get into right mental state so you don’t look up tight.
- Every millimeter that you turn your face makes a big difference – know your best profile or side of your face.
- Don’t’ look straight on
- Smile – have a pleasant expression. Practice in front of the mirror
- Purpose = look dependable, trustworthy, sincere, smile….be you, be authentic
Women:
- Hair groomed – bring hair spray
- Wear more make up than usual – no frosted makeup. Know how to use makeup to contour for effect – i.e. higher cheekbones, slimmer facial structure, smaller nose, etc.
- Powder, powder, powder
- No such thing as natural beauty before the camera – must wear makeup
- No cleavage – put your hand around neck, bring fingers down, no lower than 4 fingers below
- Bordeaux is a big fall color. Pink also works well with shades of gray jacket
- No shiny fabric
- Put thought into the photo shoot….plan…bring extra jacket…etc.
- Get plenty of sleep. The camera doesn’t lie….emotion, bad news can show. Try exercising ahead, think of things that make you relax or laugh, or remind you of a positive experience.
- Develop rapport with photographer….get into right mental state so you don’t look up tight.
- Every millimeter that you turn your face makes a big difference – know your best profile or side of your face.
- Don’t’ look straight on
- Smile – have a pleasant expression. Practice in front of the mirror
- Purpose = look dependable, trustworthy, sincere, smile….be you, be authentic
Click here for more insightful information.
Valerie
Dress for the job that you want
It’s a cliché, sure, but it also happens to be right. My dad used to always say that the newest hire should always be the best dressed. He told me that if my boss wears khakis and a button-down, I wear slacks and a blouse. By doing this, I give a driven and serious impression to my coworkers and superiors.
Any strong professional image includes the right look. Your clothes send a distinctive message about your professionalism. If you are dressed professionally, you will be taken seriously. You’re more likely to be promoted by your boss if you dress promote-able.
When dressing, think about your personal professional image. Are you thoughtful and serious in the workplace? Dress that way! Wear clothes that work for your body and that project your professionalism. Maybe you should dress traditionally with suits and low heels. Are you creative and polished? Find a wardrobe that portrays your original side but still looks sophisticated.
Where do you get ideas for the right wardrobe for your professional image? I would start first by looking at your coworkers and superiors. What do you like and dislike about their attire? Who just looks respectable? What outfits seem a little sloppy?
With any professional image, the devil is in the details. Consider your attire from hairstyle to shoes. Make sure that no component of your dress looks sloppy, unclean or worn. Like projects and presentations, your outfit should be thoughtfully constructed not just an afterthought. Your professional image depends on it.
Why Should You Take a Risk
You could be just the person to make something happen! Maybe during other times that this project or idea was attempted, the leader was not prepared or was not dedicated enough. Maybe you could be that person to make it work.
You will never have this opportunity again.You will never have this exact moment back. If you don’t try now, you will be losing a moment, a moment of momentum or a moment of excitement.
Don’t let your doubts hold you back. Let them educate you and let them caution you. But don’t let the fact that you have doubts stop you from acting. You will always have doubts, but your decisions must be made.
You’ll never know your limits until you stretch. In order to grow, you need to stretch yourself: in your creativity, in your management skills, and in your innovation.
You just might be able to do it. Sometimes projects look daunting from far away, but up close, they are manageable. Maybe this jump or risk is just terrifying from a distance. Start examining the pieces. Can you conquer this obstacle in chunks? If so, jump!
Valerie
TOP FIVE WAYS TO THRIVE IN THE CURRENT ECONOMY
1. Be fearless in adopting new policies, offering packages, and initiating new and innovative procedures.
2. See yourself as a professional — and expert. Nobody has the skills and expertise to do what you do — not physicians, attorneys, accountants or clergy…and pay attention to EVERYTHING new in your field.
3. Be a positive thinker. Don’t waste time with the “what if’s.” Stay away from negative thoughts and negative people. Even when times are tough, search until you find the positive. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself sinking with the rest of the negative-thinking naysayers.
4. Be ready to break the rules. In times like these, it’s better to be less rigid and more responsive when it comes to the needs of your client families…and make time to think about ways of doing what you do better than anyone else in your profession.
5. Make it a habit — to learn something new and improve every day!
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People Skills – The Essence of Successful Leadership
In this videoBIO I talk about how I help companies make the best of their people. 85% of what keeps you successful has to do with what you do to cement and build relationships.
“People skills and leadership are about being the most authentic best you can be.”
Click here to view the video.
Valerie
Personal Branding TV
I am excited to share with you that my video has been selected by Reach Personal Branding TV to be in the top 10. This a list of the 10 most popular videos on the site for 2010. You can view the video here:
Happy New Year!
Valerie
NEVER LOOK IN THE REAR VIEW MIRROR!
As I set my sights on a new year, so very grateful that this one is over, I’ve been thinking of 2011 goals. It takes time for me to gather my thoughts before I put them to paper, so I’ve learned to start in December before setting them firmly in January.
One thing I’ve learned in this process is to move ON, not try to recapture the past. While we certainly learn from the past, it’s not healthy to spend wasted energy there. Instead, focus on the NEW day and NEW year that awaits. Past disappointments, missed opportunities, or mistakes ARE past. Let them go andface toward the road ahead.
Here are tips my clients find helpful in setting their goals. Start with just one major goal that you want to accomplish and then use these tips for all your goals. (I find that three is the magic number. If you reach your top three goals,you’ve done well!)
1 – Use the SMART rule. Make sure that your goal is Specific, Measurable, Action-oriented, Realistic, and Timeframe-specific.
2- Stay positive. No one can sabotage you like YOU. You must truly WANT to reach that goal. If you do, then you’ll be energized and motivated to accomplish it.
3 – Soar with your strengths. I’ve never been one to focus on my weaknesses because, goodness, that would be too depressing. We should all recognize what great talents and experiences we have that can take us across the finish line.
4 – Set a stretch goal. If it’s too easy, it’s usually not a goal, rather a next step toward something already moving along. If the goal is a bit of a stretch, just think how thrilled you’ll be when you make the mark.
5 – Take one step at a time. The ol’ saying is true—“inch by inch it’s a cinch.”
6 – Celebrate along the way. Each little success should be recognized and celebrated. I clearly remember writing my latest book, Do It Right. It seemed impossible to meet the deadlines, and I was stressing with each one looming overhead. A colleague reminded me to take those short wins (finishing a chapter or even a page) and give myself a reward (eata chocolate chip cookie or relax that night in a warm, hot bath). Yes, that seems silly. But those little recognitions that I gave myself actually boosted my energy and motivated me to finish.
7 – Keep your goal visible. Post it in a place where you see it every day. That keeps it top of mind.
Anyone else have ideas that have worked for you? I’d love to get your emails. Send to: Valerie@valerieandcompany.com. Good luck!
Valerie
p.s. Read more articles like this here:
Finding Alternatives to Traditional Gift-Giving
Taken from a Dallas Morning News interview by Diane Kunde
It was nearly a foolproof way to collect money for the boss’ holiday gift. His admin kept a card in her desk drawer. When you paid your contribution, she smiled, said thanks and opened the drawer so you could sign the card. No money, no signature. Someone at that company remembers that he always contributed during the several years he worked there. And he always felt coerced.
That kind of subtle pressure doesn’t go over anymore. In fact, many companies are downplaying gift-giving—keeping gifts modest or substituting other ways of sharing the holiday spirit.
“I don’t exchange gifts with my boss and vice versa, and I don’t encourage it here. Once it starts, it’s hard to keep the political pressure out of it,” said one employee. When asked what a director for a public relations firm does, he jokingly said “We eat a lot.” He takes his co-workers out for a holiday lunch or attends an all hands company reception.
Personal thought—but minimal expense—appears to be the new norm for internal gifts as well as gifts to clients. People now do cards and personal notes. Tangible gifts are reserved for special client relationships—and even those are of nominal value. An example is a subscription to a fishing magazine, for an executive who loves the sport.
As author of “Do It Right: The New Book of Business Etiquette”, I believe we need to think about not only what you give, but should you give in today’s world. If you’re new to a company, ask your peers what’s done. If they say everyone exchanges, that’s great. But know that before you do something on your own. As a boss, it’s best to treat a group equally in order to emulate teamsmanship and not single out anyone.
One president of a manufacturing company involves employees in one of his favorite causes, Toys for Tots. He has a pot luck party where every employee brings a toy and gets a T-shirt in return. The company also throws in a product they make as a small gift for everyone. It brings together people on different floors who don’t usually see one another.
“Last year we had soufflés, venison meatballs. There were two big buckets of Blue Bell ice cream. Everyone brought a unisex gift that cost no more than $10. There were lottery tickets, a bunch of coffee warmers. The hottest item was a tray so you could have breakfast in bed.”
Another client of mine decorates the headquarters generously with poinsettias, then donates the plants before the holidays to a hospital or other charity.
Make this a joyous holiday for everyone. Use discretion, get others involved and don’t forget the Attitude of Gratitude!
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http://www.valerieandcompany.com/
Valerie
