When her sister would pick fights with taunting words or when she was nervous before a big test, her mother would remind and reassure with this sentiment. At times, this familiar response did not seem helpful. I know I can control myself, but I want to control OTHER things, she’d think.

Frustrating as such a response can be to hear, I am pretty sure that Susanne’s mother is correct. Every single day, I am reminded that I can control no one else but myself. Yes, as a leader, I can influence, persuade, cajole, restrict and even prohibit others, but I cannot control anything or anyone other than myself. In my industry, there is a tendency to believe that, with the right training and enough money, you can prevent problems.

You, however, cannot make sure that your colleague places the report on your boss’s desk, and you cannot select the words that a client uses in a telephone conversation. On certain days, after the printer breaks, your partner goes home sick and your phone deletes its contacts, it’s easy to feel like there is little in your life that you can control. From coworkers’ personal habits to current weather patterns, your life is heavily influenced by things outside of your control.

In any situation, you can only control how you react. You can choose to be encouraging, and you can choose to hold fellow workers to a high standard. You can administer undeserved forgiveness, and you can remedy the issue with extra effort. What a great responsibility it is! To chose to speak thoughtfully! To decide to put forth the effort to be exceptional! To select the action most appropriate!

So tomorrow when you feel your blood boiling and sharp words float to your lips, I encourage you to take a deep breath. Use a moment to pause and then respond. Because after all, darling, you can only control your reaction.

Valerie

http://www.valerieandcompany.com/

Taciturn types, like all people, come in many shapes and sizes. Some are introverts who do not enjoy lively conversations with people whom they do not know well. Some are only quiet at first, and they are just waiting for the right topic to get the dialogue rolling! Still others may feel that you do not want or do not have time to have a friendly chat. Some people also are more reluctant to enter into conversation if they do not see its productivity.

It’s important to realize that these are different situations. Once you acknowledge the differences, you are more prepared to have rewarding communication!

For all of these situation, here are three effective ways to overcome the silence!

1)      Do your homework. All of us are more likely to be open and communicative when we are talking about familiar topics. If you can research and be informed about what your colleague is passionate about, you can have better communication. At the very least, with a little effort, you can start off serious dialogue well by having initially open, even off-topic conversation.

2)      Ask good questions. The most basic way to initiate good conversation is to ask good questions. First, you should pose open-ended questions. Whys and hows start open dialogues. Try not to ask a question that can be answered with a “no.” I would also suggest that you ask questions in such a way that makes your interlocutor feel comfortable giving an honest, real response. Instead of asking, “how could you let this happen?” maybe you should ask, “would you explain how this situation arose?” Remember, you always catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

3)      Be encouraging. If your client does open up to you and start talking more freely, encourage him to continue expressing himself. Nod your head and have encouraging facial expressions! Body language speaks volumes. It also helps to ask follow up questions. People are more likely to continue explaining their position or reasoning when they’re prodded a little further!

Valerie

http://www.valerieandcompany.com/

Be arrogant.

Be careless.  When you’re trying to alienate potential employers and clients, make your life look out of control. Be inattentive about introductions and arrive late. Also, either make flimsy excuses or offer no explanation when you make mistakes!

Be disinterested. Paying full attention to the conversation will send the message that you actually care what they’re saying. To ward off potential relationships, you should look away slightly when others are speaking. Let the conversation drop after they speak. Asking thoughtful questions might make them think you are intelligent! Or that you care!

So at the start of this New Year, if you want to scare off potential contacts, just follow these three easy steps.

Valerie

http://www.valerieandcompany.com

We all want to be winners. It’s nice to be right and have others acknowledge it. But there are consequences to making it “all about you.”

Winning never takes all. In conversations, you should make the extra effort to be more unifying, not divisive. Relationships are rarely favorable for either party when there are clear winners and losers.

 What does that mean, practically speaking?

 - Avoid the blame game.
- Drop the condescending tone.
- Look for compromises, not cheap shot.
 - Focus on the issues at hand.
- Refuse to participate in debates about trivia details or facts
 - Beware of getting into political debates  

 Remember: right relationships are more important than right answers. 

Valerie

http://www.valerieandcompany.com

1) The immediate is significant. You’re ten times more likely to remember the thank you note that arrives, shockingly, in the next day’s mail than the one that arrives two weeks later. Being timely with your follow up conveys your sense of responsibility and thoughtfulness. You are expressing your respect when you act promptly!

2) The long-term is real. It’s easy to be stuck in the here and now. I have a friend with a blind spot for long-term consequences. She can’t seem to get into her mind that what she does NOW affects what happens LATER. She just doesn’t seem to get the fact that LATER will soon be NOW. The follow up is all about setting up a beneficial relationship. It’s important to realize that in order to have good contacts, you have to develop them now.

3) Extra effort = extra reward. There will never be a substitute for hard work. Putting in the time and thought to following up in a significant way will pay off! If you just send a dull, typical thank-you email, you can expect that your contact will not as likely remember you. On the other hand, if you take the time to send a meaningful message, your contact might keep you more top of mind! Maybe he’ll pass your name to a colleague! Maybe she’ll forward you information about another job opening! Be memorable.

It’s a choice, and it’s a way to develop your personal presence. Today, choose to follow up!

Valerie

http://www.valerieandcompany.com

“Put yourself in uncomfortable situations, every day.”

We all spend a lot of time in our lives working to minimize “the awkward.” We mentally rehearse little phrases to fill uneasy silences. We employ carefully crafted expressions to communicate the difficult messages. We avoid unpleasant circumstances like the plague, and we are all quick to play the awkward blame game.

It’s natural, really. Who wants to witness a never-ending, foot-in-the-mouth conversation with a colleague? Awkward situations are often uncomfortable because they are embarrassing or difficult.

But maybe there is more than meets the eye when it comes to uncomfortable.

So today, my advice is to EMBRACE the AWKWARD. Of course, there are limits to such advice. I am not recommending that you say inappropriate things or try to make others feel uneasy. I want to suggest that maybe awkward situations are not all bad.

Sometimes I feel uncomfortable because I am trying something new. As we all know, creativity takes courage. When you are pitching a new idea, sometimes the faces of your audience members are less than encouraging.  You might even feel awkward. But should this experience be avoided? 

We miss out on a lot when we are too afraid of “the awkward.” The classic example is avoiding confrontation. We do not stand up for ourselves in conversations and meetings. We choose to be silent rather than to be uncomfortable. Consequently, we lose out on significant raises and great projects. Or worse, we sacrifice a better relationship because of fear of a tense moment. I suggest that it might be time for us to be brave. Be respectful and prudent. But be brave. Pitch our ideas with zeal! Articulate our position valiantly!

We let fear of the awkward take control of our lives in another way. Have you thought about writing someone a thank you note and then you chickened out?  You might have thought it would seem too forward or be out of place. Most of us are guilty of holding back praise because we think it might be uncomfortable. We do not compliment others when we should; we fail to congratulate when it is appropriate. Sometimes it’s not because we’re forgetful or ungrateful. We just don’t know if it’s appropriate. And it might not be. But what if it is? What if we’re just letting fear control us when we should be brave?  When should give over-the-top commendation, we keep silent. When we should be embarrassingly grateful, we give a terse “thanks!”

My bet is that it won’t even be uncomfortable. Maybe for a moment, we’ll feel uneasy, but then it’ll be over. We’ll be thankful we said it, and “the awkward” won’t be in control any longer.

Valerie

Those stern looks your mother or father shot across the table, however, were actually preparing you for your career in the business world. The values you learned, even the most painful of those lessons, instilled tools that were destined to help you attain success in your business relationships – civility, harmony, acceptance and respect.

How often do these tools come in handy as you negotiate a deal or mediate a disagreement? How many times has the ability to accept reality or a final judgment allowed you to move seamlessly to the next project? When have these and other tools made it possible for you to enter a new arena of self-confidence, feeling equipped to do what you do best?

Business entertaining is often a requirement to achieve one or more of the following objectives:

• Form relationships.
• Express gratitude for previous business.
• Celebrate and reward business success.
• Create an atmosphere for decision-making away from
  the office.

Knowing and practicing the etiquette of entertaining becomes a valuable business tool for every member of your team. Use your experiences to mentor others.

Click here to learn more about this and more about how to “Do It Right” in my book.

Valerie

The main thing to remember about introductions is to MAKE THEM. A person would rather have you tell him that you forgot his name and ask for it than to stand in a group of people and not be introduced.

Forgetting names happens to everyone at some time. And don’t try cute tricks that may backfire. You might have heard of the woman who forgot someone’s name and thought she would be clever by asking how to spell it. She was mortified when the person said “SMITH.” Honesty is the best policy…admit your forgetfulness and ask.

On the other side of the fence, if you realize someone is struggling with your name (and with my last name of Sokolosky, this is often the case), quickly come to the rescue and tell your name. I can usually see the person trying to introduce me sigh in relief.

CLICK HERE TO TAKE MY HOLIDAY QUIZ, PUBLISHED PREVIOUSLY IN SOUTHWEST AIRLINES SPIRIT MAGAZINE

I WISH YOU ALL A BLESSED HOLIDAY SEASON.

Valerie

So how can we stay “up” when things seem so “down?”

First, recognize what we can’t afford to do… sticking our head in the sand and not looking at the news is not an option. As professionals, we simply must stay attune to the world’s happenings. So here’s one thing I’ve started doing…and it works!

Every morning before I get out of bed, I think of five things I’m grateful for—usually one is simply getting up in the morning.

Seriously, that sets the tone for my thinking more positive through the day. Then when something negative comes along, I can much more readily say “Oh well, “or at least I can keep from letting it get me into a negative mind set.

This seems appropriate for this time of year with Thanksgiving right around the corner. Try it…you’ll like it…along with the turkey!

And I mean physical office. Not your wonderful co-workers and superiors, but rather the four walls, dozens of cubicles and computers, carpets and wallpaper. What do these things say about your company’s unique brand?

I recently worked with a Fortune 500 company in their office space. They were great! What was remarkable about this experience is exploring the different offices. All of them were exactly the same size. From top dog to the bottom, all the managerial employees had the same office space. It was very disctinctive. Not something that I see every day. It sends a strong message of equal respect in the workplace. The physical building reminds all of them that all of their voices are worthy of being heard. It discourages favoritism and shifts the focus away from power struggles.

Another great example of a distinctive workplace is Pixar Animation Studios. The Pixar Story, a documentary about this film studio, showcased its creative, mind-simulating set-up. With scooters and Hawaiian decorations, it looks just like the sort of place that would be filled with cartoonists and grown-up kids. It also offers a lot of space for collaboration, which, as said in the film, is a necessary component for successful films. It’s a space that provides natural opportunities for employees to run into each other, so they can stay connected and unified. More than anything, it’s a creative space that allows each artist room to make his or her own mark. There’s no surprise that Pixar is consistently turning out great, creative films!

So what does your office say about your company’s professional brand? Or even what does your cubicle say about you?

Click here for more insightful information.